Draco Malfoy and the Fawning Pharaoh
by HowDracoGotHisGrooveBack
Summary: Harry and Draco encounter a strange situation in a Lost Pyramid. Just a regular old fluffy, cracky Halloween fic.


Halloween fluff at your service! Enjoy, lovelies.

Warnings: This was written for a picture prompt on LJ. It might strike some as slightly crack-ish.

* * *

Being an intrepid explorer was _not _all it was cracked up to be. Harry huffed and brushed centuries' worth of grime and dust off his robes. He was exhausted and frankly, he was still recovering from apparition lag. Travelling to Egypt was no joke, even with magic.

Stealthily, he crept through the pyramid's ancient passages. His boots crunched against the floor of the tomb and Harry fervently hoped it was just beetles and not old bones he was stepping on. The _Lumos _he had cast was hardly effective in the bowels of this catacomb but it was all he had.

Still, if he could prove that this pyramid was in fact the final resting place of The Lost Pharaoh Userkare, he would get the recognition he deserved for his countless hours of research. Not to mention, he would finally be more than The Boy Who Lived. Harry was tired of his glorified past. He wanted more from life. Thrill, action, adventure — the satisfaction of earning his name, not…

"Merlin, this place is a dump! Ugh, I think I stepped in something on the way in! Where's this accursed tomb, Potter? If you brought me all the way out here on a wild, goose chase I promise there will be hell to pay! You hear me? There will be…"

Harry sighed and tried his best to tune out Malfoy's grating complaints. Here they were in an ancient sanctum, untouched for centuries and all the prat could yammer about was how horrible the whole thing was. Harry would have gladly shoved the poncy git in a sarcophagus and waltzed off (presumably whistling a jaunty tune) but that was hardly an option.

Malfoy had funded his research and the entire expedition. Of course, _his _primary interest was getting his greedy paws on the Pharaoh's lost treasure but the fact remained, that Harry was stuck with him. So, he sucked it up and faced the complaining git with a neutral expression.

"If I read the hieroglyphics outside the main entrance correctly, we'll be there soon," Harry explained. He couldn't help putting in a hopeful suggestion while he was at it. "Of course, if you're tired you can just go back to the hotel."

Malfoy put his hands on his hips. "And how do you propose I get there, Potter? Need I remind you that pyramids are spelled with ancient magic? I couldn't apparate out of here without getting sliced to bits!"

_Not necessarily a bad thing,_ Harry thought snidely. But Malfoy did have the right of it. Apparition was out of the question around such an ancient structure, most likely spelled with dark magic for miles around. That was asking for trouble."Why don't you just hitch a ride with a camel?" he suggested helpfully.

Malfoy was not amused. "Oh no you don't, Potter," he sneered. "You're not cheating me out of _my _treasure! I'm here to keep an eye on my investment so don't even _think _about trying to lose me. Now make yourself useful and locate that damn sarco-whatsis so we can get the hell on with finding my gold!"

Harry grit his teeth. "The _sarcophagus _should be this way. Follow me." He turned his back and walked towards another chamber, not bothering to check if Malfoy was following or not. The git could find his own way. Harry was more concerned with locating the lost tomb of…

"Whoa!" An incredulous whisper escaped him as he realized what he was staring at. He didn't even register Malfoy's surprised squeak as he ran right into him.

"Merlin, Potter! Warn a bloke, will you? Why are we…"

"It's here," Harry whispered. "Malfoy, look."

Even Malfoy seemed to sense that this was the time for awestruck gaping. The grand sarcophagus of Userkare towered over them. The face carved into it had a noble sort of quality but Harry sensed an underlying hint of power as well. No, he wouldn't have wanted to cross told him, it wouldn't end well. Disconcerting as that was, it couldn't dampen Harry's enthusiasm. They had found the _lost tomb. _He couldn't wait to see the great Pharaoh in person!

You know, so to speak.

"Help me open this up, Malfoy," Harry ordered, rolling his sleeves up and trying to get a grip on the stone slab covering the grave. Merlin, this was heavy…

Malfoy, in true form refused to be of any help. "How about _no_, Potter. In case you haven't noticed, this is a brand new outfit. I'm not getting dead guy flakes on it."

Ugh. Harry cringed, taking a break to turn around and glare at Malfoy. He took a moment to get a good look at Malfoy's ridiculous safari suit. With those stupid khaki trousers and that silly hat, he looked like something out of a bad 20th century hunting manual. Still, there was something to be said for the way those trousers hugged the curve of Malfoy's arse…

Harry shook his head. Obviously, he had inhaled too much dust. The sooner they got out of here, the better. He turned back to the sarcophagus. "One more time," he told himself firmly and _pushed. _The slab slid away with an ominous grating noise. Malfoy made an odd little noise of distress in his throat, no doubt unhappy at the prospect of facing a mummy.

Harry however, gaped incredulously. "It's empty!" The old tomb was bare. It hosted a spiral of spider webs but there was no doubt about it. This was one notoriously mummy-less sarcophagus.

"What?" Malfoy barked. "That's ridiculous, Potter! Look harder!"

"What do you mean look harder?" Harry snapped. "Do you think I'd _miss _a sodding dead body in the bloody coffin? It's empty, look!"

Malfoy shoved past him. He took one look at the empty tomb and cursed. "Well, that's just peachy! How are we supposed to find my gold now?"

"_That's _what you're worried about?" Harry demanded. "There is no mummy in this tomb, Malfoy. Do you know what that means? It means there is a mummy _outside _the tomb! I don't know about you, but I'm not so sure I'm on board with that!"

Malfoy sneered. "Is that so? Don't you think we'd have noticed a heap of bandages trawling this cesspool, Potter?"

Harry's scathing response to that was cut off by a low moan. _Right_ behind them. An ungodly stench wafted over and the hairs on the back of his neck rose. Oh god. Oh Merlin. Oh…

"Potter." Malfoy's voice was faint and raspy. He trembled next to Harry, his wide eyes glued to the still empty sarcophagus. "S-something j-just tapped my h-h-head."

There was another moan and the sound of something sliding against the pyramid floor. Something soft. Like...linen. Linen used to wrap and embalm dead bodies in ancient Egypt. Harry fought the urge to scream in terror. Instead, he rallied his survival instincts to figure out a way out of here. Alive.

"Stay calm, Malfoy."

Malfoy whimpered. "It's r-r-right behind us, isn't it?"

Harry swallowed. "Turn around very, _very _slowly," he whispered. Malfoy's hand slipped into his and Harry squeezed back on instinct.

Slowly and fearfully, they turned.

The only thing worse than facing an undead mummy, Harry decided was facing _three _undead mummies. They stared down at him and Malfoy. Seven feet tall apiece and clad in naught but rotten stinking bandages. Their lifeless eyes were trained on the two boys as they swayed and lurched to some horrible rhythm from beyond the grave. Harry's stomach roiled at the macabre sight.

"Oh Merlin," Malfoy whimpered. The tallest of the three — no doubt, Pharaoh Userkare himself — turned to him and stretched out a bluish, rotting hand. Harry stiffened and Malfoy screeched. And then the hand clamped down on Malfoy's shoulder and groped him inquisitively.

"Potter!" Malfoy shrilled in panic. "Do something!"

"Just stay calm!" Harry barked as he fumbled frantically with his wand. Merlin, what was a good spell for this situation? Apparition wouldn't work. _Reducto? Petrificus Totalus? _He needed more time!

"_You _stay calm!" Malfoy spat back, trying to free himself. "I'm being fondled by a fucking corpse!" He squawked in indignation as the mummy attempted to paw at his bits. Malfoy puffed up and slapped the offending hand away. "Unhand me, you overgrown wrapping station!"

The mummy took a rattling breath and its companions hissed their displeasure. Harry cringed in pure horror. "Malfoy, for fuck's sake! You don't just go around smacking undead Pharaohs!"

Malfoy was clearly not thinking straight anymore. "I don't care if he's the Bloody King of The Underworld! _Nobody _gropes a Malfoy! You sir, are royal swine!"

"Malfoy, stop insulting it...him!" Harry snapped. He shut up when he realized he had a situation of his own. The other two mummies were not as preoccupied as their undead ruler. They turned to Harry with a threatening rattle and lurched towards him, arms outstretched menacingly.

Harry reacted on pure instinct when one reached out for him.

"Stupefy!"

Evil undead monsters or not, the spell worked. Harry's heart flooded with relief when the mummies collapsed with barely a hiss and crumpled into ancient dust. His celebration was short lived however.

"**Potter! Stop faffing about and handle this bandaged buffoon!"**

Harry whirled around, wand raised and poised for attack.

Except...except the mummy wasn't attacking Malfoy. Harry gaped and lowered the wand. In fact, Pharaoh Userkare didn't seem to be menacing Malfoy at all.

He was _cuddling _him.

Harry wasn't sure whether to laugh hysterically or goggle incredulously. Malfoy shrieked indignantly as the mummy crooned over him and wrapped him in an awkward embrace. "I said let go of me, you stupid zombie!" he howled, struggling fiercely now.

The mummy emitted a raspy chuckle and patted his head, much to Harry's amusement. "I think he likes you," he snickered. The poor deluded dead bloke. He had _no _idea what he was getting into...

"The feeling is not mutual!" Malfoy shrilled as the mummy cooed fondly and cradled him again. "Potter, you blundering idiot! Do something! He bloody _smells!_"

Harry gave in to a bout of uncontrollable laughter before summoning the wherewithal to stand up straight again. "Don't worry, I'll save you."

"Thank you!"

"I was talking to the mummy," Harry retorted. He approached said mummy cautiously, making sure to maintain a respectful distance and cleared his throat. "Excuse me, Pharaoh Userkare?"

The mummy stared enquiringly at him, still coddling a seething Malfoy. Harry took a deep breath to quell down a fresh surge of laughter and rallied forth. "I couldn't help but notice you've taken a shine to my friend here."

The mummy moaned in agreement and tightened its hold on Malfoy. Harry nodded understandingly. "Of course. Now ordinarily, I wouldn't dream of advising your wise and noble person but in this case, you might want to hear me out before you decide to keep him."

"Keep me?" Malfoy screeched. "_Keep me?! _There will be no keeping!"

Harry ignored him and continued addressing the Pharaoh. "Oh I know, he's cute and everything. But trust me, it wears off."

"Oi!" Malfoy snapped, apparently offended.

"And don't even get me started on how high maintenance he is. All he does is whine and bitch. And let's not even mention the nagging!"

**"Excuse me?!"**

"Ask yourself, great Pharaoh," Harry carried on. "Do you _really _want to spend all of eternity with him chewing your ear off?"

The mummy hummed as if deep in thought, drumming its fingers against Malfoy's hat as it did. Harry pressed his advantage. "It's going to be all _This sarcophagus clashes with the decor _and _Why does King Tut get a bigger pyramid_… yap yap yap. You _don't _want that, trust me."

The mummy shuddered and Harry suppressed the urge to whoop triumphantly. "I could just take him of your hands now," he offered.

There was silence. Harry and Draco waited with bated breath for the verdict.

Finally, the mummy sighed mournfully and nodded its acquiescence. Harry heaved a sigh of relief. "Thank you for being so understanding," he said sincerely. Seriously, the Pharaoh was a nice bloke once you got to know him. "And if there's anything we can do for you in return, please just say the word."

The Pharaoh perked up at that suggestion. He raised a bandaged hand and tapped smartly at Draco's hat. "Of course," Harry beamed. "Malfoy, give him your hat."

Malfoy gaped incredulously. "What? Do you know how much this outfit costs, Potter?!"

Harry scowled at him. "The Pharaoh is being nice enough to release you. He wants your hat. You will give him your hat."

"I most certainly will not, you…"

"Malfoy, give the undead king of Egypt your bloody hat!"

Malfoy huffed but removed his hat and tossed it at the mummy. "You _so _can't pull off khaki," he announced bitchily. The Pharaoh released him after a final bout of cheek pulling and Malfoy scrabbled away, making a beeline for Harry. Harry stumbled as Malfoy plastered himself to his chest and hid in his shoulder. He swallowed and patted his back awkwardly, trying to ignore the way his body was reacting to Malfoy's presence. No need to rouse a belated bout of jealousy from the mummy.

"We'll just get out of your way," he said, edging away with Malfoy in his arms. "Thank you again and have a nice...er, afterlife."

There was no response save a distracted wave from the preoccupied mummy. The last thing Harry saw as he carted Malfoy away was the very happy Pharaoh sporting his brand new safari hat.

* * *

They collapsed about a mile away from the pyramid, falling into the sand. Harry figured they might as well catch their breaths before they apparated back to London. Belatedly he realized he was still cradling Malfoy. The blond trembled as he curled into Harry's chest, sniffling slightly.

Harry's heart clenched. Git though he was, the poor bloke had been through a lot. He took one look at Malfoy's pitiful state and gave in to the urge to offer comfort, shushing him and patting his head awkwardly. "Hey now, it's okay. You're safe. He's not going to get you. Everything's okay, Malfoy I promise."

"It's n-not th-that," Malfoy sniffed.

"What's wrong then?"

"The gold!" Malfoy howled, burrowing into his shoulder again. "All that gold, Potter! I'll never get it now! Not without having to brave that randy bundle of rags!"

Of course. Harry rolled his eyes. But Malfoy was still wailing like his puppy had died so he tightened his hold and whispered reassurances to him. "There there. It's okay. You'll be just fine without that treasure."

"I will not!"

"You will," Harry insisted. "Besides, there are more important things in the world than gold."

"Name one," Malfoy challenged sullenly.

Harry didn't answer with words. Instead, he leaned down and planted a soft kiss in Malfoy's hair. Malfoy gasped and disentangled himself, looking up at Harry with wide, teary eyes. He didn't look offended or outraged, Harry noted with relief. Just stunned.

The silence thickened until Malfoy spoke up. "Back in the pyramid," he mumbled. "You...you said I was cute." His voice was small and unsure. His hair was all tousled and his nose and cheeks were red from crying. Harry thought he looked adorable.

"You are cute," he chuckled. "High maintenance and infuriating as hell, but cute." He cupped Draco's face in his hands and kissed his nose affectionately. "Even the mummy thought so."

Draco shuddered in his arms. "Don't remind me," he mumbled, curling into Harry's arms again.

Harry smiled and nuzzled his hair again. "It's okay. I've got you now," he promised. And he meant it too. Now that he had Draco, he wasn't letting go that easily. Ever, if he had his way.

The undead Pharaohs of Egypt could just learn to deal with it.


End file.
